Cafe°🍵⋆.* Coileaín

September 17th, 2025 - On the large hallucination/imagination

Anyways, I think I want to devote my life to opening up people's imaginations and to find odd, disparate connections that, well...open up our imaginations. I want to imagine a different future, and a life beyond what we 'have'.

August 20, 2025

I think I want to create some sort of journey section on this site that chronicles my progress with being myself/putting myself out there. Things start from real life for them to feel right to me. I don't have to start online where I'll just be watched strangers or botted and so on...although it is low-hanging fruit to do so. Blegh.

I think at bare minimum, a "now" section would be nice, and perhaps a "webmaster" section.

August 20, 2025

I just saw the most beautiful sunset in my life here in Aalborg. It was blistering bright, hot pink through the trees outside of the window, a window I just happened to glance left to look out of, and it looked like the world was exploding. I immediately threw my laptop to the side and ran to the other window, which wasn't enough, so I ran outside into the chilly Nordic evening weather and walked up to the nearest highest point in the neighborhood - the church in which Squishy Vampire was baptized in as a child - and watched it burst out and bleed out in front of me. NEVER in my life had I seen such beautiful, meekly bluish lavender clouds bowing to the literal blistering neon pinks and oranges. It was bleeding, it truly was, and I would have never seen it if my flight hadn't been cancelled...or I suppose I would have seen it, just...in the air? Or no I guess, I'd be landing in London, and who knows if their sunset would have looked like that. I don't know how local sunsets are. I wish I'd gotten any sort of inspiration or moment of clarity from watching it, but I didn't other than a couple minor moments of like "oh hey that looks like lava" or "oh hey it looks like mountains or tears in fabric" just art stuff.

My sentences are not grammatically correct and my writing has become lame and very up-front and plain I think. It's nice to read though sometimes not gonna lie lol.

In fear of losing access to my school email (I lost access, now just logged into the Notion as legacy/cookies), I finally exported and downloaded my old Notions from about 2019-2023. It wasn't as big of a file as I thought it'd be - about 60mb as a zip. It's really cool because I actually love the way the journal entries look in the mired down HTML format and love that I can peruse the links and they still work correctly locally in the browser. I feel a lot safer having that data on my own personal device and think I'll back it up somewhere as well. Maybe just send it to myself in an email or something of the sort. Actually, I'll do that now.

I noticed something - firstly, that I loved what I'd written...the more time passes between the moment of writing something and the moment of rereading it, the more I seem to get from it, the more wonder I feel in terms of wondering how it was conjured, the more it feels the same as if I read someone else's poetry...so I wonder if they, too, all struggle with feeling like what they're writing in the moment is the most obvious thing in the world? Not sure. I felt a very familiar pain as I felt sad that I hadn't published any of it, and felt like I'd missed the boat on showing something yet again. I noticed that in August of 2022, I noted that I'd been feeling dead and without interest for months, and that the first three months had more memory than the rest; I found that interesting because I started playing League three months into the year. I'm starting to wonder if, aside from lack of exertion and isolation, if dopamine hijacking is partly the cause for my lack of motivation. I don't want to jump to any conclusions, but reading back into my journal is illuminating. Something has genuinely changed within me which has suddenly put me at greater distance from my past than I've ever been used to so the entries suddenly feel fresher, more insightful, as if I'm still connected and influenced by the past events but now far enough away that the context just feels...different. But I digress. I guess I'll finish this salmon mozarella carrot rosemary tomato chili oil pasta thing I made and pray for things to be okay tomorrow. I really can't afford to stay here longer than tomorrow, I truly cannot. Tomorrow, I will leave this country.

August 19, 2025

Damn, idk why but the editor crashed. Welp. I'll write this over again.

I got new dragons today:

It's a Magi from the AP so it'll hatch quickly and then I can use it to teleport eggs and hatchlings! Finally! Then I managed to find a Mistra, Gilded Bloodscale, and, most importantly, a blue Sonata!! Hell yeah.

It's my last full day in Denmark before I go off to Ireland; well, London, really, then Ireland. This transition begins the endphase of the summer for me, where I've stayed pretty much untethered for three months in Denmark, Paris, and Berlin (but mostly Denmark). I've been jobless which has been increasingly anxiety-inducing, with work almost coming and then disappearing more than once. But it's okay. This was my choice not to look for jobs. Anyways, I want to dedicate some writing solely to this one day, but this isn't the post for that! But really, this next and last little phase is the end of a larger chapter in general...more on that later...I'm changing my life soon...but gosh, I will miss cuddling the squishy warm vampire. I don't know why it's hard to say his name here.

I'm feeling down on how lazy and unmotivated I have been for months now. I just can't shake the feeling that this version of life in these countries aren't for me, and that I don't want to live if I have strangers who I've never met and will never meet controlling my life in things called 'governments' and 'companies'. It's making it hard for me to find the will to go out and return to work, because I want to go into uncharted territory, but am too scared that I will fail and go broke and lose my power and sovereignty...it's just...eh. I think I've always felt this way, but for most of life I was more realistic and also had some sort of wealth wound, which worked out nicely when it came to motivating myself to participate in the rate race because I got to feel like a rebel underdog who was gonna 'show them'. I thought I was going to get into tech, climb the ranks, and then subvert from within, but I'm not sure if it will work exactly like that. I didn't really rebel against much in hindsight. Not enough for my own tastes anyway. In some ways, I think real rebellion is what they paint as insane. It's precarious territory where I'm charting, but it's true. I see now that anything divergent and less profitable or potentially disruptive to the state is just smeared to smithereens. It's reopening my eyes to a lot of random stuff like hippies, communes, rebellions, trrsm, hell even astrology and cults and shit to a degree, or at least softening them...I think some things are warranted and okay that others might not and so on. I think I have a large tolerance if everyone is allowed free choice. I'm thinking of that one guy who ran away into a forest and was wanted for trying to subvert the government or something. Can't remember his name but people make t-shirts and stickers about him, he has some sort of cult-following. People like him are protagonized in anime all the time. LOL.

One of the main things I'm aiming for in this next phase is to fully embrace and carry the primary regret I've had in my life, which was not being myself, and to also toss distraction away. This, essentially, means finding the willpower inside of me to largely set aside video games and social media altogether for some time. I'll find a way to let it in here and there, but will not and cannot let it happen everyday for hours like it has been. Hell, me even just writing this post is part of my attempt to throw off League, which I was just playing before this. I can feel the underlying desire to watercolor, to plan, to make something pretty, to work on this website (and even to look for WORK!), but it gets overthrown by Umamusume, League, and Instagram. I've gotta do better! Blegh. I miss the way I used to write sometimes. It was way more imaginative and colorful. I'd like to hope that if I start reading more again and focusing more, it will come back to me, but I also need to take care of myself. I think my poor eating habits have started to catch up to me and my mental & gut health.

August 17, 2025

August 16, 2025

Good morning guys - well, it's about 6:30pm here. I've been really tired today and napping. Perhaps I should use the European version of time since I'm here, whoops. I think I'm catching the vampire's sickness - my vampire - my boyfriend? My friend? I have someone in my life who I care about but can't find words for. None of them suit him for me. It's easier for him though. He'd call me his girlfriend or even wife if I let him, but I don't want that. Don't know why, I'm broken. I have a hard time calling someone "mine" if it becomes romantic. If it's a friend I can say my friend - but if I'm seeing someone romantically/sexually, I have a hard time breaking out of that and calling them my boyfriend or my partner or anything. I just can't. I have no idea why. I've...always had this issue as far as I can remember and I feel a lot of insecurity around it. Thankfully he puts up with me because it doesn't change the fact that I love him. I'm learning love can deliver a variety of experiences.

I'm having the problem again where I'm just too tired to bother with anything...Vampire has mentioned going to an amusement park this weekend and when I read the message I felt nothing, I wasn't excited. I felt as if I'd be completely able to move on with my life with zero regret if I didn't go, and the thought of going felt like too much, so much. This, again, makes me want to have a job again so I can get good healthcare and look into what's wrong and resample my microbiomes. I also think that a mismatch in values and alignment with my life is also to blame. It feels like I'm in some holding period avoiding my "real life" in terms of whatever chapter I'm supposed to be in. Fuck, man. I only have a year and a half of my 20's left. This is madness...I need to do all that I can before I turn 30. I need to shake up my life badly before then, because I'm afraid of people not approving of me trying to or thinking I'm crazy if I try it after 30...

August 14, 2025

August 13, 2025

Good morning - it's about 2pm at the moment. I woke up and doomscrolled for an hour or two even though I knew if I'd pick up my phone I'd end up doomscrolling for an hour or two. I'm annoyed by how quickly the whisps of an ideal future for me just falls out of existence once something else comes around and I really am adamant about keeping focus. I want to move forward as an artist, as a researcher, as a designer and not compromise on how I look, on who I am, and on the alternate sort of life that I want to try and see if it's better for me. I still ponder the thought of living in Japan, or living in Ireland, or getting a master's abroad in Europe, buying land and building a custom, natural home with a vampiric garden, of owning a shop with goods, of designing themed cafes, and so on...basically, my old job hit me up about starting up a new contract. I've been out of work for almost a year, largely voluntarily (I 've applied to maybe like 25-30 jobs total in a year) to focus on my art practice and to get a break from everything and reset. I felt like I was super golden-handcuffed and mired down in lifestyle creep before even though I was atrophying and I do not want to be that way moving forward ever again. The job I had before and am being offered again is on the whole a really good job. It pays well, is remote, isn't directly contributing to the downfall of society through AI or some shit (it's in games), and is with coworkers that I enjoy and respect. I think the honeymoon period I had when I first worked there is certainly over - the company is large and well-known and it's easy to drink the kool-aid, I won't mention the name for privacy's sake - which is likely a good thing. I feel more detached from work in a good way in that respect. I am hoping that, if this goes through, I can directly perceive this as a means to an end and plan an escape route at the other end of it, and save up as much as possible and do specific things along the way to help myself understand my path. I know that this job won't directly help me with my career in terms of what I can learn on the job, but I think it can indirectly. I'm not sure why I was secretly hoping for a rougher period of time where I had to pick up a minimum wage job and live that life again, but I think it goes hand in hand with my desire to shed all of the aspirations of wealth and the supposed identity validation that would come with it. But I do think I've made significant progress and I am not the same person I was a year ago. I feel closer than ever to the person who I feel I want to be and was born with in spirit.

August 13, 2025

I watched a video on YT of someone asking people about their views on why Denmark's the happiest country and one girl was answering that she thinks that depression, divorce, and drug rates in the country were to blame because of social media and things like that, which frustrated me because it came after a video of The Guardian interviewing 'Gen Z men' on why 'right-wing politics' is increasing and they also blamed things like social media and women staying single and so on. Some of them in both videos almost get to the point I feel (but who am I to say), mentioning that cost of living has made goal-achieving impossible, or waking up everyday to a 9-5 and monotonous, preplanned days making the prospect of having a self-led, fulfilling life seemingly impossible collectively, but then the imaginations collectively seem to stop there. I'm curious as to why most people have not had the thought that maybe civilization in general with its version of labor, of housing, of societal structure, of 'governments', is not to blame, and if such things could ever properly be made to fit truly free, self-directed lives. I think a counterpoint is that the absence of the opposite negates the presence of freedom as well as the common but partially plausible scapegoat question of 'humans being social creatures', inferring that we actually could not ever be fully 'free' because we would still be at least partially be beholden to whatever community or family or tribe we'd assembled in life at any given point. But even then, I think firmly that the power structures would be different; that even if you did want to make a choice that felt right for you in the moment but maybe affected someone or something else negatively in that instance, then you would not have to face the wrath of a 'police state' concept that has completely outgrown its britches and would rain hellfire upon you for something so small. Instead, you'd feel whatever outcome from your own community is appropriately sized to the action and take it on morally, and it would be lesser, and I think more people would feel empowered to make their own decisions. Frankly, I think simply put, I do not believe in the concept of governments or countries. While I do know that many animals are territorial and do not know about the history of whether humanity pre-civilization was territorial in its entirety or not, I do not think most people care too much about illusory, created borders and especially not Americans feeling particularly "American" in any meaningful way. I think secretly or not so secretly many Americans believe that the US should be broken up into pieces. I think that technology is being used to consolidate power where it could be used to break up power, to allow for a plurality of ways of life, for pluralities of futures and dreams and structures, and take care of the harder things like logistics, translations, peacekeeping, and so on, but what do I know. I refuse to really delve too deeply in the current collective imagination of the past 1000 years or so of European helltimes, of the concepts of power, wealth, government and state, modern economy, and so on because I think it will taint and limit my mind. It's important for experts on these things to exist and I will readily and happily rely on them for information, but I think it is all so impossibly hypocritical, poisonous, and full of accrued spite and dick-slinging for my own goals and places of mind to be mired in. I am not sure if this is just a movement of privilege (ie you can not understand politics because you do not have to fear it targeting you so constantly, etc.) but, again, I have to sort this out for myself and start where I feel I want to start and go from there. No one can just inorganically jump to a particular mindset out of shame, even if writing that out loud makes me feel...odd. It's not that I don't know anything, I have a baseline of knowledge, but I do not care to waste my time studying something that idiotic white men have largely created with blood and arrogance, and would rather spend my time studying indigenous frames of life, ancient frames of life, frames of life that do not yet exist or are just starting to smolder, and so on. I do not think one person needs to know everything about the history of the world to have a good idea, genuinely...I don't. And if that were true, some of the people we love most would be disqualified, as it's impossible...

I think that everyone breaking out into a plurality of "this is the problem, and this is how we fix it!" in ways that may contradict or minimize other versions is actually okay (I'm thinking of the rising trope of people on the 'left' infighting and never fully agreeing on problem, tactics, and ethos), but we live in such massive societies that are deluded to think that perfect homogeneity is not only possible but the only correct possibility and I think that's an issue...I'd like to think this stance would be some sort of end-all-be-all to infighting, but what do I know. Maybe it doesn't. I just know that I've had such differing beliefs myself, even, and I think with all of the inputs and factors and complexities, that's an unfortunately normal experience in the mind of the commons, and that we are also deluded to think that that's an impossibility or a defect of the mind or character. I do think that's false. I think a mind open to inputs will invariably change and morph as one moves through life. I say all of this with some mild nervousness because I don't think I've ever heard anyone say things like this before, but another part of me doesn't care (as in feels adamant about saying it regardless of right or wrong). I think more of us should say how we feel even if it is wrong. We will never understand what we're looking for if we don't - and when I say we, I'm not sure exactly if I mean some sort of collective we, or a personal we, but I digress. I do hope that tech doesn't catch onto this and end up delivering the dream of plural futures by means of some dystopian Ready Player One shit or whatever where our bodies live in destitution but our minds are elsewhere in a made-up world. ALthough...as I say that out loud...in some way that's how it is already. Fantasies covering for realities.

August 13, 2025

I am realizing that the art show I was invited to, I was actually ghosted by the girl who invited me, and I feel quite a wound because I do not feel like I'm a part of the world that her and the rest of the artists who ended up being revealed as part of the event today are. I think that's okay, and I am bummed that I continue to have a wealth wound from childhood, but I do in some way, and have spent such a sizeably sad chunk of my life trying to disprove that I'm not special, that I actually do have enough wealth and power that I should be paid attention to, that I also can portray myself as wealthy enough to hang with the big dogs, to be in the places and spaces where things actually happen...but for what, I wonder, I have felt such empty elation as a result, I have felt isolated inside of a glass bubble looking out to the rest of the world and not feeling like I could connect with it anymore when in places like Soho House, and so on...the satisfaction I would ever feel from being surrounded by the top 10-20% of earners in my country was lackluster at best and physically and spiritually painful at the worst. My art does not come from my wealth or my status, wealth just enables my exploration and creation of/from it...I know it's the same for those who are wealthy in some way, too, as we are all human, but I do find that in moments when things like this happen, I feel as if my mask, my facade was not good enough, and that they saw me as the 'dirt' that I am in comparison to the wealth fabrication and that I would not look good enough nor behave correctly so it would be best to not include me as a result, and that makes me feel...anger, bitterness, disgust. Obviously those feelings are partially secondary to some sort of sadness or obvious insecurity, but yeah. Bleh. I think I should be in spaces where I'm honored for who I am and not for how much wealth I project through my clothing and jewelry choices or through how smoothly, vaguely, and falsely I talk or something. So in many ways, I suppose I'm glad the show didn't work out. Rich, empty people are not who my target audience is with my work, anyway. I'd hate if I ever blew up and I had to survive off of gross rich overlords buying my work for clout...so if this event was something like that, which my intuition says it would have been, then I'm better off not being there. Perhaps she curated me out of the show because she realized my work is too different, or doesn't have the right 'look'. And that is more than okay with me. If it's about anything else like what I mentioned above, then the show was also not for me, anyway. I don't want to be around people like that anymore and I also don't want to be like that myself and I'm working hard not to be anymore, to return.

August 13, 2025

I think depression is pretty simple in majority, really. I leave room for exceptions based on overdoses or actual physical/mental trauma, but if you depress all of your behaviors and actions against your own will for long enough, you will become depressed. If you are suddenly allowed to act on them again and your mind and body can truly feel that freedom as a realization, you will simply return. But I think a lot of us don't notice how much we do it on a regular basis. It's more than just "not chasing your dream job" or something, that framing is still within the guise of society; you know you don't dream of labor to something called "society" or "government", you're an animal (human). The issue is that we depress down any urge or instinct because more human urges or instincts are chokelock controlled by the way that we live under the guise of civility, society. You can't screech. You can't wander. You can't go here, can't go there. Can't break that fence if you feel like it, can't climb it. Can't leave a room if you feel like it because that's rude, or you're at work. Can't move 'weirdly' because you're in a meeting, even though that movement would release tension or stretch a muscle before it pulls in your sleep tonight. Can't lovingly bite someone during a nice convo. Can't hug them. Can't blah, blah, blah, so on...and so eventually...your natural body and mind gives up having autonomy and depresses itself, leaving you with whatever's left...logic? "Reason"? Emptiness, it seems, interestingly. "Depression" as a reactive mechanism of the body to shut down what it doesn't need or doesn't get used since it's adaptable. Sometimes I imagine it like the cells and bacteria in and all over our body being fed up one day by not being able to do what they want to do, so they yearn to be released from collective form to go create some other form or live on in some other way in the most severe of cases, or the atoms jumbling up and binding too much energy, so the body releases form. Some people manage by manuevering so specifically in life that they still feel convinced that they have control and autonomy. I'm not sure about the whole "being so dumb or brainwashed that you can't be depressed because you just don't realize" thing that prevents depression.

August 11, 2025

I was thinking about how a video on TT today said the world is too complex to model and if we continue to try we'll end up living within the simplified model instead of within our natural complexity and that confirmed a feeling I've had for my whole life, that no description of self is ever enough (hence a constant struggle to explain myself, a constantly changing and natural self), that every study never considers enough, so it all runs the risk of being wrong, not enough, never enough...but even on that note, there is a plurality of realities amongst people, even within one person, so you don't need to have data to "prove" your experience, it simply was...some things don't need to be proved, why do we need them to be proved?

August 11, 2025

Thinking a lot this morning about the microbiome as I saw another fecal transplant success story that helped someone pretty much delete most BPD symptoms. I've been obsessed on and off with the topic of the microbiome in name since I dealt with recurring UTIs in my late teens and early 20's, and without name by intuition since I was younger. My mom and I used to make fun of some of our distant family for having allergies to everything because their house was constantly obsessively clean and the kids were always inside. It seemed pretty obvious that my dirty upbringing helped me, but even I had allergies to cats and dogs and horses and dust and so on as I got older (and stayed inside more often and let my diet decimate my microdiversity, hm?). I got a fecal sample processed a couple years back and it was fascinating. I've also done vaginal microbiome swabs more than once which were also equally fascinating. I'd love to be more vocal about these things but I am not a doctor, it's super outside of what people who don't know me in real life would expect of me (but people in real life certainly do, I yap about this I fear), and I've not been so good lately about being thorough in my research so I'd have to approach it from more of a questioning angle versus fully informative, persay.

I digress. Anyways, today - after much avoidable struggle thanks to me clicking a setting off in FC2 - I installed an online tracker and view counter!! I'm extremely happy with them and so glad I was able to find them and install them today. The amount of help I needed from ChatGPT to troubleshoot it was a bit disappointing, but sigh, I really love the outcome and I do understand what it was asking of me so it came down to me just being lazy which is annoying but. Meh. Aren't they CUTE UWWWEEEE the clover matching the site name and overall ode to my Irish heritage is fun. More to come!!

My first dragons might mature today...I'm really excited and hopeful that they do! I also have a dragon that might hatch today, which will open up an egg slot for me. There's too many options of what to raise next, though...but I would love to try to start breeding for a White x Daydream hybrid, so maybe that will be next? Or a Delta Dragon, perhaps? Decisions, decisions...I think about having one dragon oversee each side of my site, or dedicating different entries to them based on type. Like guardians, in some way. I suck at drawing dragons so probably won't do anything there...

Smart Falcon drops tomorrow, so hoping to pull for her a couple times! Will also probably pull on the cards banner as well since it'll be showcasing the Super Creek card, but after seeing that Manhattan Cafe and a few others are a few months away, I'm debating how much to really spend right now on an Uma that I don't LOVE and just would want for dirt utility. We'll see!

Also, I wish I could give a shit about literally anything on social media, but I can't. I really just can't. I feel like I'd rather do ANYTHING but promote myself on social media. I'll promote myself anywhere else - over email, Discord, Reddit, Neocities, IRL, pixiv...idfk, anything but having to do it on Instagram, basically. I could literally vomit. I just feel like anything I put up there wouldn't be authentic, even though my audience is there. Or so I think, anyway. Sigh...

Three of my once-close friends now hating me all individually for different reasons is a constant dampener on my life at the moment. I get so angry at them and feel like they never saw me, especially one of them who I feel especially confused by, and super pissed off about. I really don't understand at all and it just makes it seem like there were bigger issues that she didn't have the guts to mention or something which is like...really, really wack. But that's just my own surmising. I know I can be a bit of an overthinker when it comes to thinks like that but still man. It just doesn't add up. The other one I don't really care about and was really weirded/freaked out by so I'm okay without that person, but was still really anxious and upset in the moment...the final one, the first one to leave, has caused a lot of reflection and has definitely left and will always leave a hole. But the other two won't. Maybe I was the problem all along, la la la. Aren't we all. Friendships are too often ephemeral...

August 10, 2025

Good morning! It's already about 1pm here. I had a late night with vampire last night. He was playing games and watching John Wick and I was working on this site. Saying that out loud makes me feel a bit embarrassed because I thought for a second that he is never productive, but that's actually not true...he works everyday and I don't, and he has fed me more times than I can count (and given me a ton of foot massages), and I really haven't done much lately...if I go off of my life up until now, him and I live in very different ways, so he doesn't understand my sitting around on a laptop all day but thinks it's cool, and so on, but I think I grew up thinking I should be ashamed about it and hide it so I'm pretty sensitive about it and can snap at him sometimes because I misunderstand him. It's foreign to me for others not to want to spend their time like I do but in reality I'm the one in the minority. He made an observation yesterday about who I am and my contradictions which I may write about some other time. Overall, I love being with him and getting to be in Denmark and pick fruit from the trees in his backyard, but it doesn't and will never get rid of my true desire to be in community and have girlies around all of the time as it can be quite lonely being here with him only (and lonely to be in a relationship in general, really), but he is a sweet boy and I'd love to drag him to my coven should I ever find myself in the position to create one. I say this a bit metaphorically but I also love the vampirish coven line in League so aesthetically speaking amongst other connections, the word coven speaks to me.

Overnight, three of my dragons began to mature! My beautiful white Astrael hatchling, my Wisteria hatchling, and my Tercorn hatchling have all grown wings - and they're all girls!! I feel the same feeling I did when I was younger and played Pokémon, specifically restarting the game until I would get a girl starter, setting me behind my brother (THE GIRL TAX IS HIGH....). I do now have to hope that my Xol dragon will be a male though because I'm hoping to breed for the hybrid, whose name I'm forgetting at the moment. But hopes are high.

I'm still waiting on my Crested Ampithere to hatch because I made the mistake of putting the egg in a hatchery on the first day of it being laid, but I have since learned and I think it will hatch today (which I'm really excited about). My Celestial Dragon, Xol Dragon, and Stratos Dragon have all hatched before it. („°0°„) Overall, it seems like dragons spend three days in egg stage, and three days in hatchling stage, so about six days to mature!

I also picked up a few new eggs as my first eggs have hatched - I now have an Astaarus egg, a Floret Wyvern egg (the pink kind!), and an Elux Lucis egg! I'm really excited about these ones and swapped eggs a bit before landing on these to hatch as my own. The Astaarus egg is officially my most expensive baby at the moment - I have expensive taste and can tell from many different types of signs when something is rare or of high quality. My intution for it has always been really strong since I was a kid...so it comes in handy for games like this, too, where you have to make quick decisions before someone else takes the egg for their own. ^-^ It does not come in handy for credit card statements...

August 9, 2025

I have successfully drawn and implemented a custom pixel STAMP BORDER!!!! HUZZAH!!!! I LOVE IT AND IT LOOKS GREAT NEXT TO MY DRAGONS. :) I created the border from scratch in Procreate!!

I think I'm going to put the eggies in a separate wrap :O

UPDATE: OKAY HOLY I GOT A LOT DONE OMFG I LOVE THE SITE NOW AAAAAA!!!! I'll add links to the side when the site grows, but gosh I wish I could add a chat and a users online text!! Hopefully soon I can find good versions of both...phew. This is enough for tonight!

august 9, 2025

feeling sad because i don't know when i'll be able to travel again. that i'll miss the fresh, calming, cool summer air of denmark and its cobalt nights and fresh meals and warm hugs and smiles. it will all end soon, in a matter of weeks, and i do not want to go back to my old life. i have to move forward and i'm scared of everything i feel like i'll have to lose, but if i don't, i will die...i am really getting older...and i don't know how to do it...it feels like my life has ended...

august 7, 2025

hehe egg. i brought home eggs

august 7, 2025

Today, I did a big thing for myself - I went to the gyno! They didn't see anything huge in my reading and everything looked normal, but she took a peek at my cervix and it become quickly obvious to her that I have a condition where uterine cells start growing on your cervix, which can cause pain during sex and spotting/weird bleeding during sex and your cycle. I'd done research on it before and can't find the name at the moment, but it was a relief to get a view of my reproductive system and see that it seems okay. That nothing is too dire, at least. The next thing I want to somehow check is my urinary system, but I probably won't be able to get around to that while I'm here in Denmark, where it's ironically cheaper. T-T But I'm glad to have at least gotten this one down in a country that is more well-informed and more secular when it comes to reproductive health.

When I left the doctor, I was jumping for joy outside!! That I finally had an answer of some sort and that nothing dire had happened yet!! I got an iced matcha latte from Espresso House shortly after to reward myself and to honor the relief I felt. The doctor in Denmark and Japan have both been leaps and bounds better than any visit to a doctor that I've had in the States. It's just so much...calmer. Sometimes it's moments like that where I want to leave the country and move to one of those places, but then I realize that it's all sort of temporary and I can't really escape the collapse of society, and I can't sort out my moral feelings around how we're artificially cheating death with our advances in medicine and causing overpopulation...like, I should've been dead like 4 times already, at least. No wonder my mind is confused and unsure of what to do next in life, it thinks things should be over by now. Lol. I dunno. I'm being facetious. Anyway.

My next thing to do today is to re-do my resume to include the last year or so in it, and to consider revamping my portfolio. I'm a bit stuck as to how to move forward with that, though: I want to create an artist portfolio, an ideal career portfolio, AND a boring lame portfolio to cover all my bases, but with AI coming the way that it is, I'm...not even sure any of those are viable. I think I need to talk to more people defecting from tech, or more people tapped into the pulse. I keep thinking of a project where I collect the thoughts and ideas of multiple people who are planning to defect from tech on moral grounds and being burnt out by corporate, and see what the general consensus of the environment is, and where people hope to go, mixed with maybe some current projection data. But also, maybe project data is too narrow? Perhaps just dreaming up alternate scenarios and working toward them together in small groups would be more viable? I can't be sure.

So far, I think of using AI to learn game dev, to help me generate a boring portfolio, and to help me learn more heady stuff like animation and weird front-end antics. I feel gross saying it but I also know that I've used it for a project recently and would not have been able to make that money if I hadn't. Bleh. I cancelled my subscription to OpenAI at least. Gross that I even had it for a few months.

I think I feel most motivated to go in the freelance/independent studio route, so I think I will do that. Work on projects that motivate me and create a site that motivates me to accompany it. Then I'll apply for jobs as normal as a secondary exhaust.

what I would say to this article if I could

This article.........

I just tried to read an article about becoming an AI-first designer, whatever the FUCK that actually means, and I just laughed bro. Laughed and laughed and laughed. The most hilarious part, aside from the fact that these morons are just snatching up AI in a lifestyle and technoego-induced panic and did not even stop for a second to question it before heralding it like the thing you have to do is that they mocked people for being stuck in '2023' as if it was millenia ago and people who hadn't caught up are losers and embarrassing, and said to treat AI not like something you're using, but something you're...ONBOARDING? LMFAO SO WE'RE JUST SAYING THE QUIET PART OUT LOUD NOW? Actually fucking hilarious. All this article screamed to me was 'Don't question it, bend over and take it up the ass and get your money, or bend over and take it up the ass and DON'T make money, you decide! Me personally I'm taking the first option :)'. We don't need this fucking speed. We don't need this fucking speed. I'll say it again because I think it's lost on you asshats, I THINK WE DON'T NEED THE EXTRA SPEED, I'D RATHER HAVE AN INTERN. I don't give a fuck. This is fucking insane. I haven't seen a single fucking article from the UX community (NOR A SINGLE BOOK OUT THERE ABOUT HOW TO USE UX AGAINST TECH OR FOR DEGROWTH??? HELLO???) who has been concerned about this. We seem like a bunch of fucking Republicans and Democrats under Trump and Israel or some shit like holy FUCK does Sam Altman have a gun to your head PERSONALLY?? Well honestly he does!!! He's fucking threatening us all alongside all the other asshole billionaires and fleshvoids that if we don't bend over and take it that we'll be shit stuck homeless and powerless!! You cannot tell me that most people in tech don't feel this fear buzzing underneath their designer fucking Aesop-soaked whiskers like everyone else in this godforsaken 'country' whatever the FUCK a country means. So why are we quiet??? Also do you wanna know how I know that the people who wrote this are just taking it up the ass willingly? They talk about all this productivity improvement and mention NOTHING about deserving more pay for the work HAHAHAHAHAAHA Fucking insane.

So yeah, if I could, I'd reply to that article and say that I hope you wake up with your own shit in your mouth because that's how I feel reading this. Please fuck off and never participate in the industry again. Go volunteer out in a farm or with the youth that you're giving horrible advice to and ripping new assholes by taking this stance. Hey, not that I'm even doing that. So it takes one to know one. FUCK man. Fucking insane.

august 6th, 2025

I can hardly pick up my arms over this pizza to type. I'm so tired and so afraid of the future. I have no idea what to do. I am so alone and have no idea what to do next and have no energy or wind behind me to keep going. No real desire. I hate the direction of where the world is heading and I don't think my job will exist for normal, moral people pretty soon if not already and the thing I like to do otherwise is also dying (art) so I'm stuck and lost. Writing, too, is pretty much being eaten. People don't like heartfelt things made with AI usually still but it can be hard to tell the difference anymore and it at least gives a little kick so. My nose hurt to press into his butt and now I'm all paranoid that my skin cancer wasn't completely eliminated and metastisized and that's why I'm so tired. I'm in the luteal death phase right now and I see a gyno tomorrow for an exam and transvaginal ultrasound here in Denmark and I am almost completely sure that it will be one of two scenarios: they will find nothing and I will have to fight for more scans and diagnostics, or they will find something and it will change my life. I'm tired and I don't know where to write anymore that won't either get devoured by AI and eat me alive or get me in trouble for a career I'm not sure I can have anymore because I don't support the direction it's going in whatsoever and now realize I've been blind to. It's just not possible for me to keep working that job for the good money if it means I have to contribute to the concept of infinite growth under beep boop and the proliferation of AI, but I don't know what else to do, either. I feel stuck and am quickly going broke and have no idea what to do with my life other than let it completely fall apart and help it happen and then just wait to die at someone's house.

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