August 9, 2025
This is a stamp border test.
august 9, 2025
feeling sad because i don't know when i'll be able to travel again. that i'll miss the fresh, calming, cool summer air of denmark and its cobalt nights and fresh meals and warm hugs and smiles. it will all end soon, in a matter of weeks, and i do not want to go back to my old life. i have to move forward and i'm scared of everything i feel like i'll have to lose, but if i don't, i will die...i am really getting older...and i don't know how to do it...it feels like my life has ended...august 7, 2025
hehe egg. i brought home eggs
august 7, 2025
Today, I did a big thing for myself - I went to the gyno! They didn't see anything huge in my reading and everything looked normal, but she took a peek at my cervix and it become quickly obvious to her that I have a condition where uterine cells start growing on your cervix, which can cause pain during sex and spotting/weird bleeding during sex and your cycle. I'd done research on it before and can't find the name at the moment, but it was a relief to get a view of my reproductive system and see that it seems okay. That nothing is too dire, at least. The next thing I want to somehow check is my urinary system, but I probably won't be able to get around to that while I'm here in Denmark, where it's ironically cheaper. T-T But I'm glad to have at least gotten this one down in a country that is more well-informed and more secular when it comes to reproductive health.
When I left the doctor, I was jumping for joy outside!! That I finally had an answer of some sort and that nothing dire had happened yet!! I got an iced matcha latte from Espresso House shortly after to reward myself and to honor the relief I felt. The doctor in Denmark and Japan have both been leaps and bounds better than any visit to a doctor that I've had in the States. It's just so much...calmer. Sometimes it's moments like that where I want to leave the country and move to one of those places, but then I realize that it's all sort of temporary and I can't really escape the collapse of society, and I can't sort out my moral feelings around how we're artificially cheating death with our advances in medicine and causing overpopulation...like, I should've been dead like 4 times already, at least. No wonder my mind is confused and unsure of what to do next in life, it thinks things should be over by now. Lol. I dunno. I'm being facetious. Anyway.
My next thing to do today is to re-do my resume to include the last year or so in it, and to consider revamping my portfolio. I'm a bit stuck as to how to move forward with that, though: I want to create an artist portfolio, an ideal career portfolio, AND a boring lame portfolio to cover all my bases, but with AI coming the way that it is, I'm...not even sure any of those are viable. I think I need to talk to more people defecting from tech, or more people tapped into the pulse. I keep thinking of a project where I collect the thoughts and ideas of multiple people who are planning to defect from tech on moral grounds and being burnt out by corporate, and see what the general consensus of the environment is, and where people hope to go, mixed with maybe some current projection data. But also, maybe project data is too narrow? Perhaps just dreaming up alternate scenarios and working toward them together in small groups would be more viable? I can't be sure.
So far, I think of using AI to learn game dev, to help me generate a boring portfolio, and to help me learn more heady stuff like animation and weird front-end antics. I feel gross saying it but I also know that I've used it for a project recently and would not have been able to make that money if I hadn't. Bleh. I cancelled my subscription to OpenAI at least. Gross that I even had it for a few months.
I think I feel most motivated to go in the freelance/independent studio route, so I think I will do that. Work on projects that motivate me and create a site that motivates me to accompany it. Then I'll apply for jobs as normal as a secondary exhaust.
what i would say to this article if i could
https://adplist.substack.com/p/becoming-an-ai-first-designer?utm_source=post-email-title&publication_id=536737&post_id=168638123&utm_campaign=email-post-title&isFreemail=true&r=59rf4&triedRedirect=true&utm_medium=emailI just tried to read an article about becoming an AI-first designer, whatever the FUCK that actually means, and I just laughed bro. Laughed and laughed and laughed. The most hilarious part, aside from the fact that these morons are just snatching up AI in a lifestyle and technoego-induced panic and did not even stop for a second to question it before heralding it like the thing you have to do is that they mocked people for being stuck in '2023' as if it was millenia ago and people who hadn't caught up are losers and embarrassing, and said to treat AI not like something you're using, but something you're...ONBOARDING? LMFAO SO WE'RE JUST SAYING THE QUIET PART OUT LOUD NOW? Actually fucking hilarious. All this article screamed to me was 'Don't question it, bend over and take it up the ass and get your money, or bend over and take it up the ass and DON'T make money, you decide! Me personally I'm taking the first option :)'. We don't need this fucking speed. We don't need this fucking speed. I'll say it again because I think it's lost on you asshats, I THINK WE DON'T NEED THE EXTRA SPEED, I'D RATHER HAVE AN INTERN. I don't give a fuck. This is fucking insane. I haven't seen a single fucking article from the UX community (NOR A SINGLE BOOK OUT THERE ABOUT HOW TO USE UX AGAINST TECH OR FOR DEGROWTH??? HELLO???) who has been concerned about this. We seem like a bunch of fucking Republicans and Democrats under Trump and Israel or some shit like holy FUCK does Sam Altman have a gun to your head PERSONALLY?? Well honestly he does!!! He's fucking threatening us all alongside all the other asshole billionaires and fleshvoids that if we don't bend over and take it that we'll be shit stuck homeless and powerless!! You cannot tell me that most people in tech don't feel this fear buzzing underneath their designer fucking Aesop-soaked whiskers like everyone else in this godforsaken 'country' whatever the FUCK a country means. So why are we quiet??? Also do you wanna know how I know that the people who wrote this are just taking it up the ass willingly? They talk about all this productivity improvement and mention NOTHING about deserving more pay for the work HAHAHAHAHAAHA Fucking insane.
So yeah, if I could, I'd reply to that article and say that I hope you wake up with your own shit in your mouth because that's how I feel reading this. Please fuck off and never participate in the industry again. Go volunteer out in a farm or with the youth that you're giving horrible advice to and ripping new assholes by taking this stance. Hey, not that I'm even doing that. So it takes one to know one. FUCK man. Fucking insane.
august 6th, 2025
I can hardly pick up my arms over this pizza to type. I'm so tired and so afraid of the future. I have no idea what to do. I am so alone and have no idea what to do next and have no energy or wind behind me to keep going. No real desire. I hate the direction of where the world is heading and I don't think my job will exist for normal, moral people pretty soon if not already and the thing I like to do otherwise is also dying (art) so I'm stuck and lost. Writing, too, is pretty much being eaten. People don't like heartfelt things made with AI usually still but it can be hard to tell the difference anymore and it at least gives a little kick so. My nose hurt to press into his butt and now I'm all paranoid that my skin cancer wasn't completely eliminated and metastisized and that's why I'm so tired. I'm in the luteal death phase right now and I see a gyno tomorrow for an exam and transvaginal ultrasound here in Denmark and I am almost completely sure that it will be one of two scenarios: they will find nothing and I will have to fight for more scans and diagnostics, or they will find something and it will change my life. I'm tired and I don't know where to write anymore that won't either get devoured by AI and eat me alive or get me in trouble for a career I'm not sure I can have anymore because I don't support the direction it's going in whatsoever and now realize I've been blind to. It's just not possible for me to keep working that job for the good money if it means I have to contribute to the concept of infinite growth under beep boop and the proliferation of AI, but I don't know what else to do, either. I feel stuck and am quickly going broke and have no idea what to do with my life other than let it completely fall apart and help it happen and then just wait to die at someone's house.
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